No Comment.

Situation: Sitting in a cafe with a senior literature class, taking a break from the rigors of Short Story Masters and literary elements. Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” plays on  the overhead music.

Teacher: I was in Venice Beach when Michael Jackson died. They were playing nothing but his music up and down the boardwalk.

Student: Wait. You’re that old!!

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Student: If Jesus can walk on water, and Humans are 70% water. Then if I walk on humans, am I 70% Jesus?

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Wax On, Wax Off Museum

Situation: A U.S. History teacher is working with students on a project where they research a historical character then portray them as if in a wax museum. Other students enter the classroom and push a button and the student recites something familiar to the character’s life, not to mention dresses to the appropriate time. The day before the wax museum is a run through with student actors.

Student 1: (to teacher) I’m doing Patrick Swayze. Do I have to talk like I’m a dead Patrick Swayze. (Student proceeds to gurgle and slur like a zombie)

Student 2: (not hearing the conversation between student and teacher, but witnessing the gurgle and slur) Are you Stephen Hawking?

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Thank you, Eddie Murphy … when you were funny.

Situation: Student who enjoys reading words backwards has theory on Eddie Murphy’s comedy, i.e. his comedy routine with ice cream and “you’re under welfare, you can’t afford it!”

Student: Do you know what “Haagen Dazs” sounds like when read backwards?

Teacher: Not a clue.

Student: “Sad Niggah!”

Teacher: Now that’s crossing the line.

Student: But even Eddie Murphy says he didn’t get ice cream when he was a kid!

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Situation: Student making small talk with teacher during study hall.

Student: Say ‘Jesus’ backwards.

Teacher: Uh … “Sus-sej”

Student: Yeah! Ha! “Sausage”

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Damn Dam!!!!

Situation: A carcass of a beaver is found in a nearby creek by a group of students. One student asks if it’s a beaver or an otter, for which the teacher doesn’t have an answer but promises to find out.

Student: Never mind. I know it’s an otter. Beavers hang out around dams.

Teacher: Don’t you mean they build dams.

Student: No. They hang around dams. Like Hoover Dam.

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Christ Doesn’t Give Autographs

Situation: A literature teacher takes a van load of kids to Bookman’s, a store for buying and trading books and music, to peruse the shelves. The task at hand is to trade old books, text and paperback, for novels that have (or could possibly be considered) been banned or challenged in schools throughout the United States. The assignment to follow is to do a report on why the book was/would be banned or challenged and whether not the student agrees and why. One particular cult classic was signed.

Teacher: (to Student 1) Here’s a great novel by Denis Johnson called “Jesus’ Son,” which is not only a quick read, it’s chocked full of everything beautiful in literature that would be deemed unacceptable in society.

Student 1: (flipping through book) Yeah. I could read this.

Teacher: (seeing the inside cover) Hey! This is copy is signed.

Student 1: Really?

Teacher: (holding the book) I think so. I’ve never seen his signature, but I think this might be it.

Student 2: (overhearing the discussion) Is it really signed by him?

Teacher: I think so.

Student 2: Do you think it is?!

Teacher: Sure.

Student 2: Really?!?!

Teacher: yeah. Why not?

Student 2: You mean Jesus signed that book?!

Teacher: What?! Are you serious?

Student 2: Well, yeah, I mean the book is called “Jesus’ Son.”


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