Trading Students

Situation: An ESL student from China tells on another student for using an iPod during class. The results will cause dramatic economic events in the future, promising to affect trade relations between the two super powers.

ESL Student: She’s playing a trivia game on her iPod.

Student: I’m reading and studying too.

Teacher: Put the iPod away or give it to me. I commend you for at least playing trivia and not Angry Birds.

Student to ESL Student: You better quit tattle-telling.

ESL Student: Or what?

Student: Or (pause) … or I’ll quit buying products from China.

Student 2: Good luck with that one.

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LEG in mouth!

Situation: Teacher has asked students to tidy up the room, to include sweeping and picking up trash (leaves and tissue … don’t ask). One student is pushing a broom, spreading dirt around.

Teacher: Hey, what are you doing?

Student: Sweeping?

Teacher: Where did you learn to sweep?

Student: I’ve never done it before.

Teacher: You’re kidding me. Haven’t you ever done chores before?

Student: My family has Mexicans for that.

Teacher: Whoa! That’s rude. My wife is Mexican!

Student: You’re married.

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China 1, Canada 0

Situation: ESL student from China can’t read the whiteboard, so steps forward. He walks around behind a popular femaleĀ upper classmen he’s known for two days and speaketh insulteth.

ESL Student: Come on. Move up. You’re not that fat.

Canadian Debutante: (gasping) He didn’t.

Class: He did.

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Cotton Heel?

Situation: Teacher advises student to wear sunscreen as he is pink under the afternoon sun.

Student: I’m pale because I was born in North Carolina.

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Thesaurus Statement?

Situation: Student asks for an answer during a test.

Student 1: What’s the last sentence of an essay’s introductory paragraph called?

Teacher: Because I want you to do well, it’s called the “thesis statement.”

Student 2: You should have told him something else.

Student 3: Yeah, like “thesaurus.”

[pause]

Student 1: I’m writing down both.

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Jail Bird

Situation: Student sitting dazed in class.

Student to Spaced-Out Student: You’re going to do great in prison.

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“Wood” you pass this kid?

Situation: A student sees antlers on a table and digs himself a grave.

Student: Are those made of wood?

Teacher: What animal do you know that grows wood?

Student: A tree.

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