Cotton Heel?

Situation: Teacher advises student to wear sunscreen as he is pink under the afternoon sun.

Student: I’m pale because I was born in North Carolina.

Thesaurus Statement?

Situation: Student asks for an answer during a test.

Student 1: What’s the last sentence of an essay’s introductory paragraph called?

Teacher: Because I want you to do well, it’s called the “thesis statement.”

Student 2: You should have told him something else.

Student 3: Yeah, like “thesaurus.”

[pause]

Student 1: I’m writing down both.

Jail Bird

Situation: Student sitting dazed in class.

Student to Spaced-Out Student: You’re going to do great in prison.

“Wood” you pass this kid?

Situation: A student sees antlers on a table and digs himself a grave.

Student: Are those made of wood?

Teacher: What animal do you know that grows wood?

Student: A tree.

Summer in 90 minutes

Situation: Conducting a creative writing class and a student amidst an attack of ADHD is spaced out.

Teacher: It’s amazing at what can’t be accomplished some periods.

Student: Hey, I’ve planned my whole summer vacation just now.

Citizen Shame

Situation: Philosophy of Film and Theatre students are watching “Citizen Kane.” Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles) says, “I choked on my silver spoon,” commenting on his overindulgence and wealth.

Student: He shouldn’t have put the spoon so far down his throat.

Of Mice and Exterminators

Situation: Discussing famous authors and banned or challenged books.

Student 1: Of Mice and Men was so sad!

Student 2: Why? Did the mouse die?

Student 1: There was no mouse!

Student 2: I didn’t know. I have that book and there’s a picture of a mouse on the cover.

Student 3: There he goes, judging a book by its cover.

Double-Vision

Situation: Asking freshmen to write a narrative essay based on a personal coming of age story.

Teacher: All right. What is another way of saying this? (writes on the board) “Looking at the big picture!”

Student 1: Glancing at the big picture?

Student 2: Peeking at the big picture?

Student 1: What is it when you peer to the side?

Student 2: Peripheral?

Student 1: Yeah! Peripheral vision at the big picture?!

In utero, Outstanding!

Situation: Eating lunch with faculty and students discussing an upcoming due date for mother and father. The discussion turns to homebirth and midwifery, the preferred choice of the couple’s birthing process.

Student 1: I want to be born at home.

Who’s a STAR?

Situation: Instructor teaching grammar lessons when interrupted.

Student 1: All of this grammar reminds me of the special STAR tests we had to take in California.

Student 2: What are STAR tests?

Student 1: They’re tests to see if you’re retarded or something.

(pause)

Student 2: Why did you have to take a test to see if you were retarded?